Sprecken zee English? Learn a second language

Tea guzzling Taiwanese aren’t the only ones in this city who have to listen to the terribly annoying, slow-moving propaganda trucks whose mounted loudspeakers blast a maelstrom of political slogans and mud-slinging rhetoric into the comparatively quiet streets around them. The breadth of the English-speaking world also resides in Taichung, including Americans, Australians, Britons, Canadians, New Zealanders and South Africans. I haven’t met any Scots or Irishmen yet, though I’m always eager to speak with either nationality for the grand prospect of mimicking such a sweet-sounding slaughter of the Queen’s English. Yes, there are many foreigners wandering the streets of this valley metropolis – enough so that the heads of native Taiwanese snap towards me in surprise for no more than a few seconds. Interaction between “us” and “them” is generally kept to a minimum, at least where the secular teachers are concerned. But eventually, the two groups have to talk.

I started noticing something a few weeks into my stay here: when it comes to interpreting what you’re talking about, the Taiwanese sometimes “fake it.” Here’s a scenario: I’m trying to convey my needs to someone, or I am trying to understand their needs. I inadvertently use slang or speak too quickly. They don’t understand. A few of the more studious might even pull out pocket dictionaries at this point (which aren’t extensive enough to cover the average intermediate ambiguity in the first place), inspect a few entries, emit an acknowledging sound of some sort, and then proceed to smile at me as if they actually knew what I was talking about. That’s what the majority of Taiwanese do, anyway. They usually don’t sport dictionaries, but one can speak for long periods of time to seemingly comprehending people, whilst they continue to smile, nod, and possibly even chuckle at the right times.

This pretense is performed to “save face,” for both of you. It saves them face by not admitting a lack of understanding, and it saves you face by not revealing the fact that you are blathering on too quickly in a language that you must know they’ve only studied casually, and possibly, only in order to accommodate foreigners. Checking for true understanding usually goes like this:

Me: “Do you understand?”
Them: “Yes.”
Me: “Really?”
Them: “Mm-hmm.”
Me: “So you do understand what I’m saying.”
Them: “No.”

Of course, this is the foreigner’s fault, not theirs. It is their country, and a dutiful alien resident would logically try to achieve moderate proficiency in the local language, particularly if he were content to spend 5 years teaching English here. But as it turns out, most miss out on the ubiquitous opportunity by spending all of their time with other foreigners, thus picking up merely survival Chinese and crude Taiwanese. To make matters worse, I was surprised to hear the stereotype that Westerners drink away their salaries at nocturnal European pubs – then get up only to make more spending money in the morning. If that’s commonly true, then I suppose it’s fortunate that they can still remember the route to work, much less memorize the labyrinth of Chinese script.

What am I getting at? I exhort you to learn another language. (Hopefully right after you finish looking up the meaning of the word “exhort,” unless you possessed an abundant vocabulary before I made my jocose little comment. Or unless you’re partial to the King James Bible. Or unless you’re a Mormon and have set that black pearl, Moroni 10:4, before the host of unsuspecting masses time and again. (note: to my LDS friends, I love you. That’s why I would exhort you to toss out the additional “scriptures” and rely on Jesus alone. One cannot be “exalted” into godhood [see Doctrine and Covenants 132:37, etc.])

Ok, where was I? “Well, Wandering-Tangent-Man, you were talking about foreign languages.” Oh yeah, everyone should learn a second language. While no statistic can realistically state the percentage of bilingual people in the world (in addition to the hopelessness of collecting such a large amount of data, there are at least a half dozen terms that define the circumstance, degree, and variety of speaking different languages/dialects/pidgins, etc.), it is loosely estimated that half of the entire world can speak a second language.

I grow a little weary from hearing self-important armchair generals sum up global foreign policy with a comment like: “Everyone else should learn to speak American.” Let’s get up off our xenophobic hindquarters and learn Spanish, or some other great language. I recommend Russian. Not only will you be able to communicate with 277 million people, but you will also, as an added benefit, automatically sound cool.

Summary points: 1) we speak English, not “American.” 2) Taiwanese people are too busy to carry English dictionaries around in their pockets for you. 3) Everybody should be bilingual. 4) Everyone will be impressed if you speak Russian.

Pretty soon we are going to live in an entirely global world. Excepting the second coming of Christ, communicating on cell phones with real-time display screens a-la-Star-Trek is nary a decade away. Soon the manager of your business/public relations department will be asking you, "You don't speak Chinese?!" (He will ask you this in Chinese.) So if you can’t learn a few grammar charts, then perhaps memorizing a single mantra will sustain you in the fully networked career fields of our imminent future: “That’s a beautiful tie you’re wearing today, sir. Can I get you some coffee?”